Query Review - What do you think?

Thought I might share a little of my work. Here is my current working query.

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IMMORTALIS is a 75,000 word urban fantasy about a newly turned vampire fighting to accept and keep an immortal life she never wanted.

Life was numbingly routine for Alyssa, until one bad night caused her to be a victim of a brutal mugging on the campus of UNLV. Thankfully, a stranger named Lysander was there to save her, bringing with him the gift of immortality. There's only one problem, Alyssa didn’t want to be a vampire. She has problems with the fact that she now has to kill, drink blood, and stay out of the sun.

Unfortunately, Alyssa’s turning doesn’t go unnoticed. Before she has a chance to come to terms with what she’s become, Alyssa is brought before Kallisto, a rancorous vampire coven mistress. Kallisto informs Alyssa, that she and Lysander are marked for death for breaking an ancient coven law: Humans must be approved before being turned into vampires. Kallisto uses this opportunity to get revenge on Lysander, her old lover. She gives Alyssa a cruel choice, kill Lysander and keep her immortality, or die with him. Before Alyssa can act on her decision, Kallisto’s coven comes under attack from, The Acta Sanctorum. Led by Santino Vitale, the Sanctorum’s best hunter, they are out to destroy all vampires in Las Vegas, starting with Kallisto and her coven.

Few will survive this attack. If Alyssa wants to keep her newfound immortality, she will have to learn to accept what she is and trust Lysander. Together they will have to fight both Kallisto and the Acta Sanctorum.

IMMORTALIS is my first full length manuscript. It is a standalone story with potential to be expanded into a series. I would be happy to send more if you like what you see here.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
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As I have mentioned before, it's not getting anywhere. 16 rejections and counting (thats just from the agents who have responded).What do you think? Any suggestions? I've been debating about sending it to the Public Query Slushpile. Has anyone sent anything to them?

Comments

Jessica said…
Hmmm, I think the story is really interesting. I also think (for a query) it might be too long. Do you think you can get it to one paragraph? Also, you might just want to stick to the biggest conflict, whichever one it is. Kallista or the Sanctum thingy. Otherwise there's a lot of names to get lost in.

Also, definitely DON'T tell them it's your first manuscript. :-)

Hope this helps. :-)
The Public Query Slushpile is a great site. You'll get a lot of great feedback. I posted my own query up there and found it very useful. :)
Tess said…
I'm out blog hopping today and came across yours...hope you don't mind the comment :)

I'm not the one to ask about queries...I suck at them! Still, I think your last paragraph (about surviving the attack and keeping her newfound immortality) is the strongest. Overall the query needs less background - more punch. Also, I would take out the part about it being your first ms.

Good luck! And you can find me at:

http://www.tesshilmo.blogspot.com

I have a contest (with cool prize!) going on over there today.
Anil P said…
The concept is interesting no doubt. I wouldn't have thought of a dilemma around immortality.

I wonder if it might not help to sketch Alyssa's personality and pit it against the demands of the dilemma she is faced with so as to get the reader to relate to the person vis-a-vis her situaion.
Jody Hedlund said…
I try to write what I think my back cover blurb would look like or at the very least that hook sentence. I think we want to hook the agent the same way we want to hook a reader. Maybe if you look at it that way.

Have you had the chance for agents to look at your work or are they rejecting purely on the query. If you've been able to send sample chapters, and they're still rejecting, then maybe its not the query that's the problem. Just a thought!
quixotic said…
Thanks for all the input ladies. I will be revising and the probably sending this to Pub Query slushpile.
Windsong said…
Is it okay if I get back to you on Monday? My brain cells are officially MIA right now. ;-)

One thing I did notice right off is that you have a hook in the first paragraph, it's just a little buried. Something that ties into last two sentences. Those two are what hooked me. :D